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/adv/ - Advice - My girlfriend's ex boyfriend

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My girlfriend's ex boyfriend Anonymous 05/16/14(Fri)16:05 UTC+1 No.14269955 Report

So I've been dating this girl for a few months now, and it's going exceptionally well. She's the first girl I've ever been in love with, and she loves me very much, and I can't imagine life without her.

However, she dated this guy for four years, and they broke up long before she met me, but this guy has caught wind that she's dating someone else, and is making very obvious attempts to weasel his way back into her life. He told her himself that he is bitter about it, and I can tell that he's trying to talk to her more and that he's extremely jealous that I'm dating her.

What do I do here? I don't ever want to come off as a jealous boyfriend, and I let her do whatever she wants. But I know this other guy is going to become a bigger problem. My girlfriend doesn't want anything to do with him anymore, but they were friends and they dated for a long time so she isn't going to outright ignore him, and they are friends with alot of the same people and they see each other around. I feel like I need to put my foot down without coming off as a controlling boyfriend or an aggressive asshole. What do I do?
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Anonymous 05/16/14(Fri)16:12 UTC+1 No.14269974 Report

>>14269955
>I feel like I need to put my foot down without coming off as a controlling boyfriend or an aggressive asshole

do this.

just tell her what you told us here: that you respect her and know that she's capable of making her own choices, but you don't want this other guy to cause any problems between the two of you.
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Anonymous 05/16/14(Fri)16:15 UTC+1 No.14269982 Report

>>14269974
>just tell her what you told us here: that you respect her and know that she's capable of making her own choices, but you don't want this other guy to cause any problems between the two of you.
+1, seconding this advice

Don't 'put your foot down' as that's definitely gonna make you come off like an asshole. Just talk to her about how you feel about this and your worries.
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Anonymous 05/16/14(Fri)16:17 UTC+1 No.14269990 Report

>>14269955
you can't do a fucking thing here and will be wrong no matter the choice. This is all on her to determine what their relationship will be and if she respects your relationship or not. It's not jealously to allow a fox into the henhouse. I would determine, for yourself, a line that you cannot accept if crossed and if it is crossed what you will do about it.

If you tell her the established boundary she can either think you controlling and pitch a bitch, which will tell you her loyalty has shifted to him, or she can agree and easily stay so as not to disrespect you and the relationship or she can agree but secretly continue to see the guy.

I usually am very accepting and give people plenty of rope but do tell them if I find out boundary X has been crossed then I get to choose not to be the relationship. It is totally up to them at that point. Sometimes they take it to heart and don't go there, sometimes they act like they do then begin to sneak around and lie, and sometimes they say you have nothing to worry about and they will be truthful. However, I have had many that don't believe me and that is the last time I ever have to deal with that woman because I am gone.
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Anonymous 05/16/14(Fri)16:22 UTC+1 No.14270008 Report

>>14269955
>I can tell that he's trying to talk to her more
and she is responding so it is a two way conversation. Oh, stop providing excuses for her behavior for her. They were friends and have many friends in common and they dated a long time. If she wants to move on from her former relationship then fucking move on.

What you have is competition for your gf's affection and she is allowing it.
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Anonymous 05/16/14(Fri)16:29 UTC+1 No.14270017 Report

>>14269990
You sound like bitter mom material.
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Anonymous 05/16/14(Fri)16:30 UTC+1 No.14270022 Report

>>14270008

Let me elaborate a little more here. My girlfriend's mother has been in the hospital the past week because she suffered a severe heart attack. Her ex boyfriend knew her mom well, and her mom was also like a mother to him, and the only reason my girlfriend has talked to this guy is because he came to visit her mother, which I can understand.

My girlfriend has made it very clear that she does not want to date this guy anymore and that she really doesn't even want to be around him, but I can tell he is using the situation to try and talk to my girlfriend more and get closer to her. I don't have any reason to be concerned yet, but I am keeping a close eye on this guy and what he does. I'm not worried about my girlfriend so much as I am getting irritated by the fact that her jealous ex boyfriend is obviously acting bitter and wanting to use this opportunity to try and change his standing with my girlfriend.
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Anonymous 05/16/14(Fri)16:34 UTC+1 No.14270034 Report

>>14270017
not at all. I just refuse to be made a fool of. There is no crime having boundaries, nor deciding I do not want to just accept someone disrespecting me. I said I give people a lot of rope and very flexible however most people just can't help themselves with that much rope and hang themselves.
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Anonymous 05/16/14(Fri)16:35 UTC+1 No.14270037 Report

>>14270022
How do you know he is trying to get close to her?
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Anonymous 05/16/14(Fri)16:38 UTC+1 No.14270050 Report

>>14270037

I am very good at reading people and knowing their intentions. This guy has personally told her that he is bitter about the fact that she has a new boyfriend. He visited her mom in the hospital, but he has been trying to text her more and asking her questions like "how are you?" in an obvious attempt to sound sympathetic.
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Anonymous 05/16/14(Fri)16:39 UTC+1 No.14270056 Report

>>14270022
come on OP, the truth is not if the guy can change her thoughts about him but if she still has feelings for him and would act on those feelings. Not trying to be difficult here. What she tells you about dating the guy or being around him is one thing but is she conveying the same message to him with the same resolve.
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Anonymous 05/16/14(Fri)16:40 UTC+1 No.14270058 Report

>>14270050
and what is she doing? how long have they been broken up? who did the breaking up?
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Anonymous 05/16/14(Fri)16:41 UTC+1 No.14270064 Report

>>14270050
>This guy has personally told her
how do you know this? did you hear him? did you see a text, letter or eM? Or did she tell you?
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Anonymous 05/16/14(Fri)16:45 UTC+1 No.14270075 Report

>>14270058

I know she just tries to ignore him mostly and doesn't make any attempts to be around him or talk to him, but he is trying very hard to talk to her. I also know that everyone that she hangs out with and has introduced me to all really like me and they all like us hanging out together and they support our relationship

>>14270056

I'm not exactly sure how long they have been broken up, but it's been at least 8 months or so, and they dated off and on again so it wasn't like a long continuous relationship. She also tells me that I'm the first guy she's dated that she has actually liked and enjoyed being around, because for some reason the last few guys she dated she really wasn't that in to. She broke up with him.
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Anonymous 05/16/14(Fri)16:46 UTC+1 No.14270078 Report

>>14270064

She told me. They were on good terms and she dated someone else between me and him. But lately he has been more of a jealous bitch towards her. He told her he was bitter when he was visiting her mom at the hospital
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Anonymous 05/16/14(Fri)16:57 UTC+1 No.14270121 Report

>>14270078
ok OP. Just leave you with this. It doesn't matter how much a little bitch he is or you think he is or how hard he is trying or if she reaches out to him or not or if her friends like you better than him. None of that matters at all unless your gf lets him in. It sounds like she has knowing he wants her back. I understand how insecure it makes you, it would most of us but you have to determine how much of this you can just live with.
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Anonymous 05/16/14(Fri)16:58 UTC+1 No.14270124 Report

>>14270075
>She also tells me that I'm the first guy she's dated that she has actually liked and enjoyed being around
come on OP every girl tells their current bf this, what is the alternative?
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Anonymous 05/16/14(Fri)17:07 UTC+1 No.14270153 Report

>>14270124

She hasn't "let him in". This has only been over the span of two days, they aren't hanging out or anything and she doesn't want to hang out with him. Like I said, I'm no concerned about her so much as I am about him.

>>14270121

Whenever she was dating her last boyfriends she said that she didn't even like hanging out with them, and was pretty only much dating them because she was bored. But she loves being around me, we are around each other almost every day and she enjoys doing things with me.
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Anonymous 05/16/14(Fri)17:12 UTC+1 No.14270163 Report

>>14270153
>Whenever she was dating her last boyfriends she said that she didn't even like hanging out with them, and was pretty only much dating them because she was bored. But she loves being around me, we are around each other almost every day and she enjoys doing things with me.

Man , my ex told me i was the love of her life , that she wanted to marry me , and when she left me , she told me she never loved me , and the only guy she ever loved is her current boyfriend.

Doesn't mean shit. Honestly.
She wouldn't have spent 4 years with him if she didn't love him.
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Anonymous 05/16/14(Fri)17:15 UTC+1 No.14270169 Report

>>14270153
again, you can't control him or control his access to her. She has to do it or not. Try to relax since it has been just a few days and see what develops. For your sake I hope she just continues to ignore him and he finally goes away. But I again caution you for this time and any future incidents with this gf or one later. You have to assume your gf or wife has plenty of men hitting on them constantly and no way possible you will know of them all nor how far it goes or the history between them. The only person that can grant access to the woman you believe is your partner is her. They allow or they cut them out.
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Anonymous 05/16/14(Fri)17:16 UTC+1 No.14270170 Report

>>14270163
>> She wouldnt have spent 4 years with him if she didn't love him

Oh but you would be surprised. We are far more terrible than you think I assure you, I've hated my boyfriend for 5 out of 6 years dating and we're still going " Strong" :)


Still haven't cheated on him tho
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Anonymous 05/16/14(Fri)17:19 UTC+1 No.14270176 Report

>>14270170
Just what the fuck.
Are you a masochist or what ?

I have no clue why'd you stay that long with someone you hate.
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Anonymous 05/16/14(Fri)17:23 UTC+1 No.14270186 Report

>>14270176
Not a masochist but submissive or not caring enough to almost qualify except for the enjoyment part.

I wouldn't be concerned op. Often being around your ex-boyfriends just makes you feel like a fucking idiot for dating them to begin with, especially when they act like jealous, bitter whiney bitches.
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Anonymous 05/16/14(Fri)17:30 UTC+1 No.14270199 Report

>>14270163
I wish I could rationalize and trick myself into believing this shit on that level. That would be amazing.
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Anonymous 05/16/14(Fri)18:38 UTC+1 No.14270332 Report

It's pretty simply OP. The best play is to do nothing unless she asks you to deal with him. Just continue being supportive of her and her mother, and let him look like the desperate idiot that he is.

If she falls for his bullshit, then she's not really worth your time and energy. But it sounds to me like she's not going to buy what he's selling, and if experience serves me correctly, she's just going to find him more and more annoying as time goes by.
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